I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
