he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
