i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
