Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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