I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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