so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
