I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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