The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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