Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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