I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
