you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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