How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
