New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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