i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My balls are so social today.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
