Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
