I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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