Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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