I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Lo siento on account of my penis...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He did a backflip because drugs
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
