Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
