Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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