Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
