she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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