I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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