I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize