I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
