What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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