WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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