my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
