her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
