im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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