Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
