i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
