god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
