Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
