I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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