Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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