There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize