you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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