brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize