ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
