every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
