That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
