I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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