im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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