The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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