Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize