her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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