Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
