The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
