Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
