Sry I called you an 8
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
