I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
