i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
