I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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