I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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