Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
