Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize