Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
