it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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