I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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