not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
