Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
