I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
