i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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